Emotional deregulation process.

I love "triggering" my brain until it hurts.
I love spending hours and hours debating points with myself.
It's endless. Extremely emotional, raw, expressive, full of slurs and anything that my brain can spew.

My mistake now its perhaps sharing it publicly rather than just put the polished, diplomatic, and full of big words versions...

I'm not sure how many will get it. But to me it's a beautiful process.

The absolute destruction of my position while seeing what's out there it's what I aim intellectually. Pretty often than not — I'm left nowhere near my initial thoughts and opinions due to how diverse the positions from the sources I find are.

The more I get into a topic, the less secure I feel about my initial convictions, and the more confused and lost I get sometimes.

Ahh... I still remember the first time I did this with this intention of wanting to refute what I was taught. It started with evolution.

Looking into embryology, natural selection, DNA match and similitudes with other primates, felines (cats and lions for example), and reading other papers that then some of my favorite YouTuber (like Aldo from "el Robot de platon", and Javier Santoalla from "Date un blog") talks about– it was/IS so beautiful.

My head was burning, I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach. I watched too many videos and documentaries on it — I might have them saved somewhere in a file out there, or my search history...

I remember it clearly. Writing down my thoughts, internal conflicts, questions, confusion, merging beliefs, disorientation, and my little early teen brain trying to wrap up the information I was learning.

My family was so angry and conflicted due to me questioning their belief system haha, but none of their reasoning was convincing in the slightest and now we're at a stage where we can sometimes talk about certain things on the matter.

I don't know if I'm an intellectual... and I don't know if I care about being labeled as one.

The glory within getting my feelings destroyed while learning about some historical and scientific facts or chronological order is... magical. I truly love it.

There are so many things. I'm not sure if I'd want to share my entire understanding process of the things around me... again, because I know this method is not pretty or formal... but I'll see what to do. If I even have time to do that now.

It is my favorite thing. Doing learning paths is another thing that I LOVE the most... but that's a different thing that deserves its own note/writing.

... I suck at conclusions...
Go write a ragged thing in your diary and then read it out loud, that'll help process the feeling you felt while writing it. Bye.